4 SECRETS TO FINDING TRUE LOVE
Article by Heather Rebecca Wilson
Dating 101: 4 Secrets to Finding True Love
So much of the dating advice out there is honestly, just plain dumb. Even in the age of the #MeToo movement it’s still so easy to find articles directing women to try to be someone you’re not or change who you are to make potential partners more attracted, intrigued, and want to stick around, etc.
However, the process of attracting a luscious, lasting love into your life isn’t about becoming someone you are not, but instead it’s about loving who you really are and all parts of yourself - even the parts we aren’t so proud of, the ones we’ve been taught to shame, repress, and even control.
Before I learned how to date like a “queen” and decided to call in my “king” of a man, my dating life was all about projectionial love and teaching relationships. I fell for guys who validated me, who deep down resembled my caretakers so that I could heal my childhood issues, or who I perceived could save me from myself from my co-dependent perfectionist self.
As the middle child of a multi-ethnic, blended family, I had self-limiting beliefs and a “pain body” around my heart that stemmed from growing up multiracial in the very White world of Northern Virginia independent schools, with no positive role-models to show me to how embrace my multiracial identity.
I struggled with feelings of unworthiness because I never felt like I belonged in any one group. I never felt Black enough for the Black side of my family, not Filipino enough for the Filipino side, and not White enough for my friends at school.
My core wound was about never feeling good enough and that I had to be perfect in order to be loved.
As I examined the remains of ANOTHER “failed” relationship at age 35, I experienced what some call the “dark night of the soul”.
This break-up triggered my core wound and the pain was so deep that I hit my knees, humbled myself, and asked for help.
After years of never feeling like I measured up - to the investment my parents made in my education, cultural, and societal expectations, and to my own impossible, perfectionist standards - I decided to take ownership of my life. I had had enough.
As I surrendered my pain and fear to the wisdom of the universe (God, spirit, love energy, etc.), I began my spiritual awakening. I realized I was giving my power away for not being "chosen" by a man.
I was intuitively guided to an amazing coach who helped me rewire my brain, replacing negativity with a positive self-identity. Instead of feeling like a victim to the dating game, I decided to become the happiest single person I knew and as a result, when I felt I was ready, I “called in the love of my life in just 1 week!!!
Even though I’m a love and dating expert, my self-love journey isn’t over. However, I’ve learned from my mistakes and have a few tips to help you navigate relationships with wisdom while still enjoying the passion and story of falling in love with your dream partner.
Secret # 1 to Dating Like a Queen: Learn to Say "No" and Walk Away
For way too long I struggled with saying “no” and walking away from people even when I saw red flags. Deeply embedded cultural expectations that women find their partner to save them can override our better judgment about what guys are saying to us not only loud and clear, but very early on.
Queen of Love Bonus Tip: People will give you all the information you need to make a decision about whether or not they are a good match for you in the first two weeks.
Secret #2 to Dating Like a Queen: Understand Your Value and Claim Your Power
When it came to dating I had to create my own inherent sense of value and be willing to claim my own value as a partner, regardless of what my ‘inner critic’ and the world had to say about my relationship “failures”.
Queen of Love Bonus Tip: Make a decision that you’re not going to torture yourself anymore with negative self-talk and thoughts about your value as a partner. Put a rubber band on your wrist for 30-days and give yourself a little snap each time you catch yourself down beating yourself up. I did this myself and it works!
Secret #3 to Dating Like a Queen: Learn that Rejection is Part of the Game
Getting rejected has nothing to do with your value as a partner. It is not you but just the way it is. Just like many people you will meet are not right for you, you will not be right for many. Learn to not take this personally, but keep dating with an open heart.
Queen of Love Bonus Tip: Remember - the people who end up attracting love into their lives are really good at dealing with rejection.
Secret # 4 to Dating Like a Queen: Don't Fall Victim to the Dating Game
If you’re searching for a reason to feel unworthy, undeserving of love, and pathetic - you will find it!
Dating like a ‘Queen’ involves choosing a narrative about how you fit into the dating world that allows you to thrive and not one that unconsciously prolongs your suffering.